Jeering at Jargon
Peter de Jager is a provocative Speaker, Writer and Consultant. His primary focus in on how we manage change, technology and the future.
In addition to speaking at conferences worldwide, he's also written monthly columns for Municipal World and Computing Canada.
His goal is always to question what we think is so, and in so doing perhaps open up new opportunities.
If you'd like permission to reprint any of Peter's articles, please contact him directly.
You can contact him at
pdejager@technobility.com
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The IT industry is afflicted with a brain eating virus for which there is no known cure. The medical term for this highly contagious disease is Argotism. The incubation period of the disease ranges from one to eight hours,
after which time the subject becomes highly, and sadly, permanently contagious.
The primary symptom of this incurable malady is the ability to speak for hours at a time without uttering a single comprehensible sentence. A secondary symptom is the uncontrollable desire to display incredibly complex visuals using the most sophisticated technology available.
At first it was thought these visual manifestations of the disease, were the patient's failed attempts to overcome the impaired ability to speak plain English. However, extensive content analysis of more than 10,000 visuals has uncovered no evidence to support this hypothesis.
Primarily because the images for the most part play no noticeable role in increasing
the effective transmission of information.
While medical experts recognize similarities between Argotism and certain aspects of Tourette syndrome - in particular the uttering of coprolalia - they have, as yet, found no biological connection between these two conditions.
Scientists are baffled by the contagion vector. The primary methods of disease contagion are inhalation, ingestion and physical contact. Argotism ignores these vectors and is instead, spread through the auditory and visual systems. The World Health Organization (WHO) headquartered in Atlanta, GA admits that this method of infection will lead to a global pandemic unless a cure, or at least a vaccine, is found.
Early onset of the disease is identified by a subject's inability to raise a hand above their head and voice the words "I don't understand what you're talking about. Could you please explain it to me?"
In the advanced stage of the disease, subjects repeat the phrases which first infected them, but which they still don't clearly understand.
(In the interests of not spreading the disease further, this author does not wish to represent any of the "active" phrases in this article. Luckily there is one phrase which has lost most of its ability to infect, which will serve as an example of the virus. Please read it carefully and if you sense the urge to use it in conversation in the next 24 hours, please report immediately to your nearest medical facility. The phrase is "New Economy".)
While it is possible to become infected after a single exposure to Argotism, it usually takes repeated exposure before the subject demonstrates full blown Argotism and becomes a carrier.
A recent WHO study found that being in the presence of a superior when first exposed to Argotism, greatly increased the risk of infection. This increase in the risk factor is assumed, though not yet verified, to stem from out natural reluctance to admit ignorance.
While there is no known cure for the disease, there is evidence to suggest that those already infected with Curmudgeonism, or those equipped with a technological
device known as a "BS Detector" (origin unknown), are highly resistant to all known strains of the Argot virus.
An additional finding which has researchers puzzled, is that all the inhabitants of, and everyone from, the state of Missouri are immune to the disease. While stumped by this finding, researchers do believe this anomaly could eventually lead to a cure for Argotism. The researchers are currently herding thousands of Missourians into medical facilities for extensive testing.
Citizens are warned the most likely places to contract Argotism are technology conferences. The most virulent strains of this disease are usually found in the keynote presentations. Members are urged, if they must attend these breeding grounds of pestilence, to bring blindfolds and earplugs to reduce the chance of infection.
There is another home remedy proving useful in isolated cases. Prepare a small tape recorder loaded with the sentence, "I'm sorry, I don't understand what you just said. Could you explain what you meant by that?" When a presentation drops into incomprehensibility, you know the presenter is falling into an acute attack of Argotism and is entering their most contagious stage. Before you lose consciousness, press the PLAY button on the recorder and hopefully this will jolt the presenter back into a temporary state of comprehensibility, perhaps long enough for you to escape into the hall.
© 2006 Peter de Jager – Yes, he's a speaker and he's often seen
presenting at Technology conferences, however he has been certified by the
World Health Organization as free, and immune to all forms of Argotism. He
is even suspected of being able to confer his immunity to his audiences.
His affinity to single malt scotch is considered a minor ailment at this
time. You can contact him at pdejager@technobility.com
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